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Spiritualizing abuse (English)

One way people try to escape confronting and, consequently, healing the pain of abuse is by means of spiritualizing it. It happens especially in romantic relationships, but it surely doesn’t come down to these cases only. Some pretended arguments one tends to resort to may sound like this:

  • „Oh, they’re actually a good person, they actually love me. I see the good in them, I believe in them, I love them. They don’t mean to hurt me, they’re only traumatized and they’re acting out of pain.” or
  • „Oh, this is karma balancing out. I hurt them in a previous life so now they have to hurt me.” or
  • „Oh, they’re my mirror so they’re supposed to trigger me and hurt me, they’re only helping me grow and become the best version of myself.”

Here are some points I want to make:

1. If anything else, you will want to dig deep within yourself and find out if you really love them or you are mistaking other things for love. You should also be aware enough and honest enough with yourself to face some difficult questions: is the good you see in them really there, or is it your projection?

2. Yes, everything is ultimately an act of love but it is not the merit of your partner’s human self that they help you grow, it is the merit of their soul. Don’t excuse the person’s shitty behaviour on the basis of their soul’s wisdom, they’re two different things. Plus, you can’t always be sure that the shitty behaviour is divinely guided by their Higher Self – how can you guarantee that it doesn’t actually stem from the fact that they’re NOT listening to their Higher Self? Your job is to tend to your evolution and healing and to handle triggers in the most constructive ways possible: that is not the same thing with purportedly looking for triggers (which comes precisely out of trauma and the need for drama) or condoning abuse. To learn what is there to learn, not to be a masochist.

3. Even if the good you see in them is indeed there, even if you see the real them beneath all layers of trauma (and yes, love does give you that clarity), even if deep in their heart they might love you, that still doesn’t make much difference if in the meantime they treat you like shit. It’s insane to keep staying with someone who walks all over you while feeding yourself either with the good memories you have with them or with the hope of a bright future you might have with them. You need to ask yourself if they are able and willing to offer you those things now. And if not, why are you still there, what unresolved issue do you have that makes you hold on to someone who currently wrecks so much havoc into your life? 

4. The fact that you may have hurt them in a previous life and now the tables have turned also doesn’t make for a valid argument to tolerate crap. Karma is not about that. It is also not about a mechanical rebalancing of things just for the sake of it. There are lessons to be learned from those experiences, otherwise there would be no evolution. By tolerating abuse you may be missing out on the lesson you have to learn from that experience and you’re not helping them learn their lessons either. If being aware that your experience is due to some karmic debt being settled makes it easier to heal and accept the pain you’ve been through, if it makes you wiser and more compassionate, that’s ok. But don’t use it as a means of perpetuating trauma and condoning shitty behaviour, because you’re missing the whole point.

5. As far as profound love connections are concerned, when you’re tapping into your partner’s energy (or other people’s for that matter) you are tapping into their soul, into their multidimensional being. So yes, the good you see in them is most probably real. That potential you feel – in them and for your relationship – is most probably real. The love you feel they feel for you is probably real. But they are real in a different way and on a different plane of consciousness and existence than what is normally labeled as real (i.e. physical reality). So often times you will find that what you feel about them doesn’t match physical reality. It may be that those things are yet to be materialized or they are simply aspects of that person’s multidimensional soul which aren’t meant to be materialized in this lifetime though. Some of the things you’re tapping into may even have to do with past lives of parallel dimensions. So you’ll want to be very discerning, if possible.

To illustrate all this, I will imagine this situation: Someone commits a crime. “Spiritual” as you may be, you see that the murderer is actually a good person deep in their heart but, maybe, they’ve been severely abused as a child and they became an abuser themselves. You may also see that in a previous life just the opposite happened: the one who is now dead had killed the one who is now the murderer. What sane person would argue that the murderer shouldn’t be put in jail because in a previous life they were murdered by the one they murdered in this life? The soul plane is the soul plane and the human plane is the human plane: even though they are always linked, they work by different rules and it is meant to be that way. Moreover, by not putting the murderer in jail you risk robbing them of a precious lesson and the opportunity to realize their errors and become a better person (not that the prison system would be truly interested in healing and transformation, but you get the point). And while you are so preoccupied to see the good in the murderer, you ignore the victim’s family pain, so you’re not very compassionate and nondualistic anyway. Who knows, if in very particular cases it may be for the murderer’s highest good and of all involved to not go in jail – maybe there are other events and circumstances that would be of more help in learning his lessons and becoming a better person; yes, I believe that can happen. But you can’t count on that and you can’t automatically jump to that conclusion without first taking a very deep look into the situation. As I’ve been saying with other occasions, love is not just a paternal caress on the head. Love needs to do whatever it needs to do. When a mother brings her child to get a vaccine, the child screams and doesn’t understand what’s going on, but it’s for their good. In the same way, painful as it may be, going to jail might be for the murderer’s good.

You need to be able to discern one plane of existence from another, and to know what instruments to use in accordance with each of them. Confusing the planes of reference only makes matters worse – it is a sign of lack of clarity, not one of self-mastery. That is one thing I understand by “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s; and to God the things that are God’s.”